I mean this on so many different levels today.
I have been bogged down by kids, life chores, and that dog.
Mostly when I feel this way, I reflect on where the day went but …today, I feel different. I realize where did I go?
The realization that it is the first day of fall is wild to me. I looked at my calendar and backed through the past months. I had such big things this summer to do. I also had little things too. They ranged from writing to painting, to get the house organized and not live like a hoarder from A&E. To walk the dog more. To lose weight. To gain muscle. To, to, to…You can decide what is big or small. I accomplished none.none of those things.
What I did accomplish is to reflect on a summer fondly and forget that at times I wanted to strangle each child for fighting, and the dog for non stop barking. I accomplished surviving missing a spouse, to one that shows up at the cottage on a weekend and uproots our peace. Granted he only had a few days off and wants to do everything fun in those two days and we were in the lazy stages of summer so we were traveling different speeds. All this makes transitions hard. But worth while and good at the same time. All this makes forgetting to think about yourself. Easy.
In trying to keep it all together – I lost time. I lost me.
I sit and think what do I want? Who am I? Is this common or is this just me? I know that in some ways it is me. I am still not sure what I want to do when I grow up. I wish that someone would give me a small job to try out. Between 9-2 would be perfect. One minute I think that the medical field always called me – the next I think why do I not paint more like I used to? To I want to finally write a book. A real flopper I am.
Where did I go? How does one find themselves after they realize they are gone? I am not a person who wants to meditate and hear my voices tell me. I am not good at that. I am not someone that can figure that out either. I am good at wandering – running errands in all the best places. If I have an errand or chore I can do that – busy work. I am someone who needs to be needed it turns out. I am someone that needs interaction and with the kids gone it’s hard. It leaves me to much time to think. I am now my spouse traveling one speed all day long and hitting 90 mph at 2:45 as they enter the car. When that happens the best part of going 90? I don’t think about me.
It is the quiet times, they are killing me, I just start to think about where I went. I think who am I…what will I do in the future? I start to see my age, and my non accomplishments. I just start to think to much. If you say start cleaning…yep. tomorrow.
Start doing that list from the summer. Yep, tomorrow. For some reason I can not get myself to do it. I need some sort of great motivation. I need to be able to follow through. I need to find myself….how will I do that…
oh look, where did the time go? I HAVE to run off to pick up kids …
I am back and will at least try to write once a week. My head is to full!