sooooooo. Where to start this one. This is not one of the things I have written over the summer to put out there, but it is where I AM today.

family shadows

ME in a globe: Good, Happy, Alive, Silly, still missing my mom a ton – more than I would have expected at this time. And yet, happy to have life move forward in other regards. I am happiest for those things around me that are having happiness again.

sIgH. BUT I sit here, right – here. In this place, at this moment. I am not sure what it is. I hear the kids playing – it is a great sound. laughing, fighting, maybe even spitting. I hear the keyboard, I feel the dog at my feet. and I feel – not sure.

There are days (moments more like, because they pass fast)  as I get older that I could brag that with age comes ? wisdom, laughter, happiness and there are days(seconds, minutes) (though much fewer) that we wonder about ourselves. Who are we? What skills do I have? Where am I going? Why am I a worrier? Where does my family see me? Where do I belong? Am I a good friend?

Taken apart it is all logical – well – I belong here a) because who would take over my gaggle? who would (yes yes someone) but seriously if I passed today not only would my  WILL have to have money it for 5 it would have to have a life time of wine! 🙂 b) I belong here because I am happiest when in a familiar setting – and what is more familiar than your own home? I am the only one that can ever find stuff, I am the one that knows what lies all stuffed in those drawers or closets. I am the only one in the minute that knows the status of the wash. So do I belong? sure.

Where am I going – according to the calendar numerous places, according to me? um? here? Is that so bad not to know? someday it feels like a burden – ACCOMPLISH more, make people proud. Other days your like – I ROCK, I brushed my teeth, that was an accomplishment. The age-old question what do I want to be when I grow up? Well, today I want to be something. Really I do. What I mean by that is, something different. hopefully a children’s book writer and maybe in the healthcare field, or maybe just a babbler? Who know what tomorrow will tell me, just a junk collector, OR better yet, maybe just a super super lottery winner….

Where does my family see me? mmmm another – HERE, at a computer right now. Next to them in bed when they can’t sleep. BUT my elder family? I don’t know. Do they think that I am someone who does nothing? Do they think that I am a friend? Do they think that I am someone to be proud of? Do they think I am needy (that answer is yes, but moving on) as I reflect on this paragraph of run on’s – I am a worrier.

So,  I am going to get up – RIGHT Now and do something. what that will be? yet to come…good things come to those who wait – I guess. 🙂

About snotarant

i am a janitor, maid, haus frau, mother to a five pack, a listener, a hugger, a sigher, a happier, a wine lover, a foodie, a hunter, a gatherer, a cook, a wife, a mother, a triplet mom, pedicure lover, a hugger, a crier, and sometimes just me... AND beware. I write like I talk...a little - well un-correct.
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